Living with undiagnosed ADHD

Well that could all change because after years of waiting I'm having my official ADHD assessment tomorrow. Whilst I am both excited and terrified, I thought I'd share with you what it's been like living with what potentially is going to turn out to be years of misdiagnosed ADHD.

I cried when I got the call, cried because for once it felt like I was being taken seriously, someone was finally listening to me. I have spent my whole adult life feeling different. I've struggled in just about every area of my life from maintaining friendships, to my obsessive fixation on the 'thing of the moment' to being so overwhelmed I feel physically and mentally paralysed. Don't even get me started on the overhinking, the forgetfulness and the intensity at what I feel things. Now some of which I know to be key indicators of ADHD traits in women. 

I have always felt my emotional tendencies tend to lean more towards the lower side of the scale and joy/happiness/accomplishment feel like very fleeting and temporary emotions. My default has always been down. Don't get me wrong if you met me you wouldn't think I'm miserable, far from it. It's my internal dialogue and thoughts that cause me to revert back to the 'dark side'. If it wasn't for my optimism, hopefulness and faith that things will eventually get better I probably wouldn't be here. That isn't to sound dramatic but just to be honest. 

I was in my mid 20's when I went to seek help and was diagnosed with depression. I then started therapy and about a year later started taking anti depressants. I'd tried my hardest to avoid them but things weren't getting better. I was still going through IT, all the time. I was later, diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication for that too. 

From my understanding there is so little research on ADHD in women that too often women are diagnosed as depressed and/or anxious when in reality those feelings arise from what's really going on much deeper, on a neurological level. 

A few weeks ago I had a breakdown because the reality of getting this diagnosis means that I have potentially struggled for the entirety of my adult life and been misdiagnosed on multiple occasions. It had me questioning if my whole life has been a waste? Or how different things could have been for me. 

My doctor also made me aware of the link between ADHD and eating disorders - Something I have once again struggled with my entire adult life, my relationship with food is so so complex. He also told me that people with ADHD have a stronger tendency to gravitate towards love bombers and abusers in relationships. This is because the intensity of the initial stages of the relationship satisfies the dopamine and gives us feelings of excitement and validation. It's insane that so many things I've struggled with is being liked back to ADHD. 

I'll be the first to admit it, TikTok was probably where I really felt 'shit this is me' - I'd had people around me jokingly call me ADHD before, partly because I can never finish a story, I'm always all over the place or I'm a zombie moulding into the sofa.  TikTok was a massive eye opener for things I do that I'd not identified as ADHD. 

I had to just pause because I generally forgot the reason I was writing this post! 

I'm writing this because if you feel like you could potentially have ADHD don't wait - Get yourself tested or at least on the list. I went through my GP who put me forward on the 'Right to choose' waiting list. It took about 7 months. People joke about it but ADHD is considered a disability and as I write this with no formal diagnosis, I would like to say trust your gut. 

You know yourself and I have known that something isn't right since really early on. I am working with my therapist at the moment to work on the associated trauma that comes from the potential misdiagnosis of mental health and the absence of ADHD. 

I hope this post can bring awareness and I hope this post highlights the damage of living with mental health misdiagnosis. 

I also wanted to include some books that have helped me better understand my brain 

Lots of Love

Z.x